Article by Candice Z. Watters
Some single women hang out with a "buddy," never requiring him to state his intentions. Others have pre-marital sex and don't understand why their "partner" has no momentum toward marriage. Most spend all their time with the same group, even though no one in that group is a possible marriage partner.
These habits are pretty good for preventing weekend loneliness. But the very things singles do to avoid being alone on Saturday nights may keep them alone for the rest of their lives.
Sadly, we're members of a generation which, on the whole, desires marriage, but doesn't know how to get there or believes there's no rush to make it happen.
It turns out there are things you can do to move a relationship forward. But you have to know what not to do first.
Resist the counterfeits
If you want a mate who respects you, you've got to respect yourself. That means setting high standards for your relationships. Are you the gal guys always come to for advice about other women? Do you spend all of your time with a guy who's not your boyfriend? If you've answered yes, you may need better boundaries to protect your heart and time. This will help you resist the temptation to spend your prime years and best self on counterfeits.
Retain sexual power
Unmet sexual longing is a powerful motivator for men and women alike. Many of our parents and grandparents, had short courtships thanks to this natural force. If you're having sex outside of marriage, you're diminishing your sexual power and your ability to find a good match. Men having their sexual needs met casually have fewer reasons to sign up for marriage.
Reassess your options
A lot of women have good friends who are men. They describe them by saying, "Oh, we're just friends; we've never thought of dating." Too often we overlook men in the "just friends" category because we're not "attracted" to them. Instead of asking who you're attracted to, start asking "Of my friends, who would be a good husband and father?" You might be surprised who you're attracted to!
Parents used to choose their daughters' husbands for them. You can be sure the last quality they considered was physical appearance. I'm not suggesting a return to those days — they had problems of their own — but we can borrow a principle from them: if a woman is paired with an upstanding man, love will have a chance to grow.
Check your expectations
A US report in 2002 detailed a trend among single men who have sex with their girlfriends but admit they'll never marry them because they're not "soul mates."
Most people want a mate who knows them at their deepest points and loves them fully. When asked to describe their soul mate, many singles imagine a person who "completes them" and who will love them exactly as they are and never ask them to change. But what happens when those two soul mates encounter the turbulence of marriage? These expectations cause them to doubt that they've found their "soul mate" after all.
Despite fantasies of marriage as an endless date, a lifelong partnership is actually about the day-to-day stuff of life: raising kids, paying bills, cleaning the house, etc. A lasting marriage requires commitment, no matter what. You have to go into it expecting highs and lows.
Ask the people you know for help
Until recently, marriage was, for most people, a primary purpose of life. Friends and relatives were willing partners in helping singles meet the eligible bachelors in their lives. If we only spend time with peers, the competition for available men will likely be fierce. But if we have friends in different life stages, it's probable they will know eligible men. And if these friends are believers in marriage they can be helpful allies.
Changing your way of relating to men may seem unnatural at first — and for some, not worth the effort. But if your goal is marriage, it makes sense to do what's in your power to achieve it. Don't misunderstand: there's no formula for making two people fall in love and commit their lives to one another. But you still have a part to play. And if you're doing things that lead you away from the altar, why not purposefully change direction?
Adapted from Finding a Husband by Candice Z. Watters
Copyright © 2003 Candice Z. Watters. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. This article was published on Boundless.org on February 23, 2006.
Some single women hang out with a "buddy," never requiring him to state his intentions. Others have pre-marital sex and don't understand why their "partner" has no momentum toward marriage. Most spend all their time with the same group, even though no one in that group is a possible marriage partner.
These habits are pretty good for preventing weekend loneliness. But the very things singles do to avoid being alone on Saturday nights may keep them alone for the rest of their lives.
Sadly, we're members of a generation which, on the whole, desires marriage, but doesn't know how to get there or believes there's no rush to make it happen.
It turns out there are things you can do to move a relationship forward. But you have to know what not to do first.
Resist the counterfeits
If you want a mate who respects you, you've got to respect yourself. That means setting high standards for your relationships. Are you the gal guys always come to for advice about other women? Do you spend all of your time with a guy who's not your boyfriend? If you've answered yes, you may need better boundaries to protect your heart and time. This will help you resist the temptation to spend your prime years and best self on counterfeits.
Retain sexual power
Unmet sexual longing is a powerful motivator for men and women alike. Many of our parents and grandparents, had short courtships thanks to this natural force. If you're having sex outside of marriage, you're diminishing your sexual power and your ability to find a good match. Men having their sexual needs met casually have fewer reasons to sign up for marriage.
Reassess your options
A lot of women have good friends who are men. They describe them by saying, "Oh, we're just friends; we've never thought of dating." Too often we overlook men in the "just friends" category because we're not "attracted" to them. Instead of asking who you're attracted to, start asking "Of my friends, who would be a good husband and father?" You might be surprised who you're attracted to!
Parents used to choose their daughters' husbands for them. You can be sure the last quality they considered was physical appearance. I'm not suggesting a return to those days — they had problems of their own — but we can borrow a principle from them: if a woman is paired with an upstanding man, love will have a chance to grow.
Check your expectations
A US report in 2002 detailed a trend among single men who have sex with their girlfriends but admit they'll never marry them because they're not "soul mates."
Most people want a mate who knows them at their deepest points and loves them fully. When asked to describe their soul mate, many singles imagine a person who "completes them" and who will love them exactly as they are and never ask them to change. But what happens when those two soul mates encounter the turbulence of marriage? These expectations cause them to doubt that they've found their "soul mate" after all.
Despite fantasies of marriage as an endless date, a lifelong partnership is actually about the day-to-day stuff of life: raising kids, paying bills, cleaning the house, etc. A lasting marriage requires commitment, no matter what. You have to go into it expecting highs and lows.
Ask the people you know for help
Until recently, marriage was, for most people, a primary purpose of life. Friends and relatives were willing partners in helping singles meet the eligible bachelors in their lives. If we only spend time with peers, the competition for available men will likely be fierce. But if we have friends in different life stages, it's probable they will know eligible men. And if these friends are believers in marriage they can be helpful allies.
Changing your way of relating to men may seem unnatural at first — and for some, not worth the effort. But if your goal is marriage, it makes sense to do what's in your power to achieve it. Don't misunderstand: there's no formula for making two people fall in love and commit their lives to one another. But you still have a part to play. And if you're doing things that lead you away from the altar, why not purposefully change direction?
Adapted from Finding a Husband by Candice Z. Watters
Copyright © 2003 Candice Z. Watters. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. This article was published on Boundless.org on February 23, 2006.
No comments:
Post a Comment